The upside of aging

Well it is 36 hours and counting until I turn 40.

But today I discovered one positive benefit of aging - I can let my inner bitch out. She has been hiding in my brain my whole life, now she gets to come out in the sunlight.

It started this morning when a woman got mad at me for not knowing someting I had no way of knowing. Then it snowballed when I discovered a building-wide invite to a party had somehow not gotten extended to the group I belong to - the staff.

So I shot off nasty emails to the responsible parties and FELT A WHOLE LOT BETTER. It got me to thinking, why not be a bitch all the time? The other staffers told me that this stuff happens all the time, that you get tired of going on a rampage and having a reputation as being "difficult" or "mouthy", but for now I am enjoying it. And it reminds me of a few episodes in my life where I wish I had been a whole lot bitchier.

One happened recently. Glasses-wearing guy and I had gotten in the elevator. We said Hi. Then three more people got in the elevator. It closed. We went up. Our elevator has a voice feature (you know, to be ADA compliant) that announces the floor you are on. As it announced "going up" one of the three people, lets call her Sharon, 'cause in fact, I think her name is Sharon, said "A talking elevator. I bet we paid a pretty penny for that luxury." Then we all stood around in awkward silence for the rest of the trip. The three people got out at floor five and glasses-wearing guy and I were left. He said, "I bet T would have liked that feature " ( T being a blind guy who used to work with glasses-wearing guy and who had an assistance dog) and I said "yeah I was going to say someting to her, but I didn't want to seem rude."

Well now I wish I had been rude and said to her "Hey, that voice feature is for the vision-impaired, I bet they don't think it is much of a luxury. And besides, you didn't pay a penny for anything, this is a state building." But I didn't say it, I just thought it, or rather, my inner bitch thought it.

The other episode happened in 1986, but I still remember it, maybe Cousin Flora will too, if she reads this. I was traveling in Europe with three friends. We were on a train on the way to Amsterdam. Behind us was an older American woman and her son, also going to Amsterdam. They were talking to a Dutch woman, who was telling them what they should visit in Amsterdam. She told them of the Anne Frank House, and they chatted for a while. At some point the American woman said "I think Jewish people need to finally get over the Holocaust and stop feeling sorry for themselves." The Dutch woman was stunned into silence, and our group, sitting in seats just next to them, were also stunned. I wanted to get up and yell at her, and say that not all Americans were prejudiced idiots like this woman. Partly I didn't because I knew if I got up, turned around, and spoke to them I would just be so angry I would babble incoherently and not be able to make my point, but partly I was too shy to stand up and say something.

The worst part was just sitting there, next to my friend M, who was Jewish. I remember holding hands with her and just willing that American woman to shut the hell up.

Many times since then , I have thought to myself what I would have said if I had only had the guts and the poise to get up and say something. If only that woman had met the 40 year old me, she would have gotten an earful.